Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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