I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
