If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
