Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I can text with my tongue
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
