Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
