laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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