Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
