Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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