For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize