just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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