How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
