I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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