Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
