just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
