nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
