Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
