Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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