Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
