After last night, I could never be a politician.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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