Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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