so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
