If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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