Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
