Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
im holly from the hills drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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