This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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