I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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