You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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