is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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