I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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