remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
