he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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