Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
