My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You are a genius and a whore.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
