My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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