We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
