Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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