No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize