i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
