If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
