Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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