Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
