I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize