FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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