Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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