that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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