i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
