If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
