Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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