6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
