You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I will be naked everywhere
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
