I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
