you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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