May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize