I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
