I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
