There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize