I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
