Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
