Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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