the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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